Maybe you are not where you want to be…But, you are right where you can be “right” now….Trust the process

Do you ever have the sense of where you are at right now is not where you want to be, yet you are confused on “where” that place is? It takes me back to when you are a junior or senior in high school and one of the questions that is generally asked when met is, “what are your plans after you graduate.” How many of you can relate to that question and how most of the time you have three answers…

1. I’m not sure yet
2. I want to be this with certainly at the moment
3. I’m thinking of this

Thinking back in my own life, I knew what I wanted to be – A Psychologist. Why? Because I wanted to help others. I wanted to understand the human brain. I wanted to “cure” the broken.

For those of you who read my story – living with a parent where you witness manic depression at a very young age; seeing the pain, feeling their hurt, scared of what may happen to them, scared of what may happen to me…led me to wanting to fix others even if it meant losing myself and that was my path for the past 44 years.

Pain, abandonment, fear in general, fear of the unknown, isolation, soothing others to protect them from their pain instead of soothing ourselves can lead us into a life of immorality, addiction, being easily manipulated and lack of self worth to name a few.

Within the last month couple years I had experienced times of when I felt like my world was unbearable. I lost the love of my life and found myself back with a past partner who I knew was not a good person but he was the “comfortable” place.

Within the last month, I have been completely losing myself in every way you can think of. I went into an emotional turmoil…doing this by denying what I knew was real and that was his betrayal although he would say it wasn’t happening. The communication or lack thereof, was no longer. In his presence I felt anxiousness, knot in my stomach, lump in my throat. I gave and gave with very little in return which put me in a financial hardship. I prayed hoping that he would learn to find God as much as I have so that he could be fixed from his entertainment of alcohol, gambling, and sinfulness which made me feel like I was losing spiritually. I lost physically by losing 10 lbs in 3 weeks time, losing interest in strength training, being around my loved ones and lack of sleep. I lost mentally when words wouldn’t come to me, I couldn’t even think of how to spell a word and my whole focus was not on the job I was to perform but watching my phone for the delayed texts back, the vague messages. He was the one that I couldn’t find myself to walk away from. Yet, I walked away from the love of my life.

The last week has been tough. I started writing my blogs while still in that relationship hoping to share my story from where I was back in June of 2025. But now, I realize my story at that time was just a chapter of an ending that needed to take place to write the true healing process.

For the last three weeks….I have cried, I have felt pain, I have begged for clarity, I have prayed, I have forced myself to get up each day, I have forced myself to eat, if even a little bit. I have dived into feeling the silence, the isolation, the thoughts of being alone.

But this time is different; I understand the weight of my struggles, and I refuse to succumb to the darkness of depression and the harmful temptations of the past. I believe in my strength, and I know that I will rise!