What’s Changed and Why is this happening?

After session 2, I felt an urgent need to explore the feelings swirling within me. It was essential to gain clarity because I wanted to do the necessary work to lift this emotional burden. The undeniable truth is that I love my boyfriend, so I understood that it wasn’t love prompting my instinct to withdraw. Yet, I found myself grappling with the question: what was really at the root of these feelings?

As I sat on my couch, reflecting on my journey, I was enveloped by a blend of frustration and hope, feeling emotionally drained yet yearning for change. After dedicating 25 years to my job, I’ve navigated the intricate web of relationships with unwavering resilience. Knowing my daughter and son are well and safe brings me a sense of peace that anchors me amid the storms of life.

A profound realization flooded over me: I’ve devoted countless hours to caring for others, and now it’s my time to reflect on what I truly need. From my childhood, I embraced every emotion within my family, finding joy in supporting them, be it caring for my mom during her illness or managing household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. Nurturing those around me—my boyfriends, my husbands, my kids, and my stepkids—has always been my instinct. Now, as my daughter embarks on her own journey and my son prepares to graduate, I find myself on the cusp of an exciting new chapter. This isn’t about leaving my boyfriend behind; it’s about honoring my own needs and dreams, carving out precious time for my growth and happiness. This newfound awareness has unveiled a tapestry of possibilities awaiting me in the future.

My boyfriend came over on a Sunday afternoon, and after enjoying a walk in the park and sharing a crustless pizza, I found myself on the couch, feeling a heavy mix of discomfort and anxiety. Deep down, I recognized the difficult decision I needed to make, but it filled me with an overwhelming sense of dread. Rather than peace, I was caught in a storm of fear—the fear of losing him, of making a mistake, of the emotions that could spill over, and of losing myself if he were absent from my life. Taking a deep breath, I looked into his eyes and said, “This isn’t working.” Tears streamed down my face, and my heart felt so heavy. When he asked, “What’s changed?” it felt like a weight that was too much to bear; why was I expected to provide answers when I was still searching for clarity? Nothing had truly changed. I love him deeply and yearn for a future together, recognizing that he is still my person. Yet, I struggled to express the turbulence within me. “I’m trying to protect my daughter, who was hurt when she and her boyfriend were told they couldn’t join us for Thanksgiving. I want you to spend more time with your son, who really needs his dad given his challenging relationship with his mom. I just need some time for myself to rediscover who I am.” Those reasons felt so small and manageable, yet I questioned what the deeper truth was. I felt lost for words, but one thing remained clear: it wasn’t due to a lack of love.

I walked him to his truck parked in my driveway, feeling the weight of the moment. As I held him tightly in a long embrace, uncertainty filled my heart—was this our last goodbye? I planted a gentle kiss on his lips and watched as he drove away, a deep ache settling within me. What have I just done? Why, God, why has this happened?